If You Only Knew
by hedeadwhat
Summary: "The greatest weakness of most humans is their hesitancy to tell others how much they love them while they're alive."


It had been half a year since Steven Stone began his soul-searching adventure. He had met many people and entered many caves, digging up many artifacts and giving them to those very same people. It had almost become a hobby for him. And on cold and lonely nights, when Steven was left to mull over the many reasons for why a young child like Ruby was able to defeat him, the former Elite Four Champion, he was left with a sadness that could only be filled by seeing the sweet, innocent smiles of the children he gave gifts to.

Oh, the children.

The children brought great joy to Steven. Their smiles and gratitude made his own insides smile. They tugged at his clothes for more rocks and he would promise that he would steal more, especially if they were nice. Hell, even more nice than usual. The responses he would get are-besides more tuggings-kids climbing on him. Yes, he felt very grateful. He felt like he was on cloud nine with seven kids on top of him.

But after a time, they began to grow bored of his many rocks. Some even began to throw them away or give them to random passerby, when Steven wasn't around. But Steven never noticed, and over time he began to spend more time in the caves, digging deeper for more items to give to these children. It got so bad that for a month he was gone, without coming up for fresh air, to get food, to clean himself, not even to take a poop.

When he finally popped back up to the surface, the locals were confused to find some odd man carrying a bag behind him filled with lumpy goodness and a beard the size of a Crobat's nest. It startled the townsfolk when this stranger that smelled of formaldehyde and rotten eggs began handing to their children sparkly stones of majestic beauty. It became such a problem to the parents that they called for help from a traveling Pokemon trainer.

It was night when this Pokemon trainer flew into town on a dying Taillow. He knocked on one of the parents' doors until he was greeted.

"Are you the great Ruby?" the father questioned. Ruby nodded as he picked his nose. "Oh, thank Arceus!"

"What seems to be the matter?" Ruby asked. He expected a story about something such as a group of retards planning to use a giant Pokemon for impossible, personal reasons like a toothbrush or like a bunch of four-inch trees are needed to be cut, so that people wouldn't be afraid to walk passed them, but what he got was not what he expected.

There was a monster lurking into the night whose beard swallowed up children as he pooped them into a giant bag.

Ruby listened for half the story before he started looking around the one room house he was in. With curiosity he asked the man, "Where'd you get all these stones from?"

The man followed Ruby's gaze and laughed it off, "Oh, there was this pleasant young man who came around about a month ago giving the children of the town these stones. Haven't seen him since, though." After the explanation the man was quick to ask if Ruby was going to stay the night and if he liked to watch Gladiator movies. Before he could continue, Ruby laughed a little anxiously, wiped his snot-covered finger under the man's table he was seated at, and made his way back outside.

It was time to get down to business, Ruby thought. He slid his goggles down his forehead and began to run in the direction of the local cave.

Earlier that day, Steven was in his cave, watching a TV he managed to get off a kid after trading one of his stones that he claimed to be magical for it. Ironically, the cave he was bumming in had an outlet, so at times he would stop digging to watch some What Not To Wear. Today, though, as he was lying on the ground, eating some potato chips he made out of rocks, the TV he was watching brought out a breaking news story about a monster with a beard and a bag. Whoever caught the monster was rewarded all his rocks, and the monster would be spanked by Byron with a shovel.

Steven decided it was time to act.

Ruby realized that he was in the wrong cave.

He realized this by very astute observational skills. Like, the fact that the cave had a bunch of holes along a very narrow corridor that one could barely fit through, let alone get past. Also, the pile of pink heart pillows on a big carpet in the center of the opening of the cave made him realize this was, in fact, someone's secret base.

Ruby began to pick his nose some more in thought, mulling over where the cave he's supposed to be at might possibly be while a figure began to crawl itself out from the mass of pillows. It crawled closer to Ruby, who paid no attention to his surroundings, except his boogers were really long and stringy today. Finally, he looked down when he felt something begin to lap at his ankle.

He looked down and almost peed his pants until he realized it was Sapphire. Then he really pissed his pants.

He ran away from the cave, crying like a little girl, through the town, and off into the complete opposite direction until he reached a department store right in the center of the rustic town. His mood immediately changed and he happily entered, ready for some shopping.

Steven decided to act like a normal person by getting a job right at that moment. He washed up in a tiny pool where a toddler was present, sprayed on some Old Spice, and went to volunteer at a mall to be the place's Santa. Nobody would suspect a thing as he dressed up and looked exactly like the monster described on TV.

Everything was going swell when he was sitting on the Santa throne. It was, though, quite bright for Steven since he was living in a cave for a long time, so he decided to put on some dazzling, heart shades. One after another a kid or Volkner would hop up on his lap to ask for a ridiculous present. A tear dripped down Steven's eye after a kid hopped off to realize that nobody liked his stones and preferred a Hannah Montana CD.

Stores, stores, stores. It was like Ruby had dropped into heaven. He was skipping through the aisles until a man popped out from behind a shelf holding a Chimchar mask and yelled in the little boy's face, "CRASHER WAKE!" And then he was gone.

Ruby was so baffled, so distraught, so absolutely confused that he began to cry again and ran out of the store. He rushed down the stairs of the market and was just about to reach the exit when he ran into the lap of a red-suited, Old Spice-smelling Santa. Ruby looked up slowly with teary eyes, a slightly drippy nose, and asked in a crackly voice, "S-Santa? … But isn't it July?"

Steven told him that some punk ass kid last Christmas wanted the holiday to be on July this year so that on his birthday he'd get quadruple the gifts and girls. After he said this he realized, by the massive amounts of snot drooping down the kid's nose like a waterfall, that the kid was Ruby.

Steven gropped Ruby's back as he said, "SO, HOHOHO, what would you like for Christmas, little boy?"

Ruby felt uncomfortable, and then felt even more uncomfortable when he realized he was sitting on something hard. Before thinking of what to suggest, he said, "Is there a rock in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?"

Steven's eyes sparkled as he moved his hand around to the boy's stomach, moving it up and down, while saying, "Well, how about both?" He pulled out from his pants with his unoccupied hand a shiny stone. As Ruby looked at it with as much attention as a 10 year old could give, Steven enjoyed his few moments of glory.

However, it was short-lived, as suddenly Steven's beard began to rustle. This also gained Ruby's attention, and he peered at the massive amount of facial hair as it slowly birthed a tiny head… then a small arm…

"You… your beard is having a baby!" Ruby screamed out in fear.

Steven looked cross-eyed down at his beard as it produced a young Aron. He made a light 'ooh' sound under his breath and recalled, "So that's why my beard has been feeling significantly heavier since Monday."

The people around them saw the birth and at first got excited because they finally learned how Pokemon babies were made, but then it turned into a frantic riot. The cops were called, but before they got there, reporters made it to record the monster. As they neared Steven and Ruby, more Arons hatched out from Steven's beard as Steven held the boy from under his arm and tried to make a run for it in the middle of chaos. Ruby had no idea what was going on, but he was enjoying the Old Spice scent leaking out from Steven's armpit.

The store soon became a fortress of Arons, as they ran around the floor barking and eating away at anything metal, from the shelves to the posts. The chaotic crowd had amassed outside, shivering in fear as they watched the building from the outside.

Steven Stone was unnaturally calm during this entire turn of events. Ruby looked up from his place tucked under Steven's armpit and yelled, "WHY AREN'T YOU GETTING OUT OF HERE?" and then he slapped at an Aron that had begun to nibble on one of Steven's many rings. Wait…

"… Only Steven Stone wears these many god awful rings that don't match anything except a black suit with purple stripes… You're Steven Stone!" he announced as if it was an eureka moment.

As another Aron popped out from Steven's beard, he began to say something very meaningful, except the floor beneath him began to give way, and down they plummeted to their deaths.

Or what would have been their deaths if it weren't for the fact that a pair of strong, grisly arms had caught Steven and his captive. And if it weren't for the fact it was a six foot hole.

Ruby was now dangling upside down, as Steven was still holding on tight, with his ass in the air. He attempted to crane his neck to see who had majestically caught them, only to see a stream of sweat flow down his savior's shirtless torso.

"Byron! What are you doing here?" questioned Steven, completely unfazed by the strong scent of body odor.

"I have no idea!" the purple-haired man yelled unnecessarily loudly.

Suddenly, the two men's beards rose up from their position and slapped together in the most awesome beard slap ever to have occurred on Hoenn soil. Ruby was still hanging around, and the Arons began to pour into the hole, eating at the ground like it was Chex Mix, but it was all okay.

It was all okay.

"W-when are we going to get out of this hole?" Ruby asked after a while.

"Shut up," both of the older men said at the same time, as Byron's beard hacked up Roark's construction hat.


End file.
